Goodbye Arizona

Every place has it's purpose in your life. It forms you. For me, I was born and grew up in Iowa. Three weeks after earning my BFA at Iowa State I high-tailed it to live in Phoenix, AZ. Ten years after living in Phoenix I moved to Chicago, IL. I've lived here 5 years now and do not plan to move anytime soon.

Iowa: I grew up with 2 parents that love and like each other. I got to live in a house in a neighborhood that was safe and had other kids my age to play with. We went to church on Sunday and I even attended Catholic school throughout my grammar years. The American dream.

Phoenix: I took my twenties and embarked on a life that I excitedly got to create by myself. Where in Iowa I had a vast family to associate with, here I would go it alone. I wanted that. I cheerished that. I made mistakes and had successes. I figured out who I was.

Chicago: Full circle. I found that I adored city life, yet at heart was indeed a midwestern girl. I met my husband, developed my career, tested my skills and furthered my dreams and aspirations for myself. I'm closer now to my immediate family (parents, brothers, nieces and nephews) that is continuously growing. Close enough to Iowa, yet far enough to maintain my individuality and come full circle.

Since my growing up in Iowa was not a choice I freely made, I felt this extra tug at my heart to Arizona. I choose it. Those sunsets. That food. That warm weather all seemed to suit my personality better. For the longest time, I dubbed it my "hometown".

Whenever I'd go back there, visit my dearest friends, hike Camelback Mountain, eat red chile-marinated pork burros at Los Dos Molinos or kick back with a beer and watch the vivid purple and orange sunsets....I felt like I was returning home. This latest trip was different.

Last week I took Eric with me to Phoenix so that I could visit old friends and run in the Phoenix Rock-N-Roll Half Marathon. The weather was perfect, friends were wonderful, and I even ran my best time ever: 2:30 for a half. But it was no longer home. I found myself driving past places and telling Eric stories of a life that he was utterly clueless about, and maybe he didn't even care. I'd walk past people in crowds and search for a face that I knew or knew me. Nothing. As much as the scenery was the same, it was different. I did not live there with a monorail or an expansive downtown. People actually WANT to live in Casa Grande now.

Running the half marathon, I would look on the sidelines at people with homemade signs and tee-shirts, looking for a face that was somewhat familiar. Much of our route went through the oddest and ugliest parts of town, further reminding me that I was not welcome. This is no longer my home.

Once I realized that, I felt a sad peace. My mind traced backward to my last year in Phoenix when I sensed that I didn't belong, that I stopped making roots, making plans. I stopped building my life there. When I got to Chicago, everything changed. I bloomed within myself. The next phase of my life that I was searching for surfaced. Phoenix couldn't give me that....but without those 10 years in that amazing town - I would not be who I am today.

Directly after the half-marathon, I took my husband Eric to eat at a Phoenix tradition - Honey Bear's BBQ. Their catchphrase is, "You Don't Need No Teeth To Eat Our Meat". So good. We had ribs and cowbrow beans and I drank a cold beer to wash it down. I became grateful.

Maybe I ran my best time because I wanted to get the hell out of there. Who knows. Next weekend I'm cheering loud and proud for the Arizona Cardinals in the Super Bowl. I know I have no rights to them. Growing up in Eastern Iowa you cheered for the Chicago Bears. Living in downtown Chicago now, married to a Chicago guy....I cheer for the Bears.

But you know what? Kurt Warner is from Iowa.

Thank you Phoenix, Arizona....for all you did for me. I will always love you dearly....but Chicago is my home.