If Anything Ever Happens

Life has not been all that fun as of late. The economy sucks, I'm not as busy as I'd like to be, it's February in Chicago and my toes and fingers are eternally cold. I just designed my butt off for 2 days on a logo that I came to find out the client only budgeted $200 for. I'm growing more and more grumpy. Then last night I went to a memorial.

It was a memorial we all should hope for. People, people and more people busting through the seams of this funeral home on this freezing night, not a parking space for 4-6 blocks could be found. Everyone was shoulder to shoulder, and the chatter was lively. The stories told about this woman confirmed my own impressions of her: Gutsy, lively and loving. Stories ranged from the sweet and sincere angelic kind, to the downright dirty and hysterical. I could imagine her in heaven (a heaven that no doubt resembled D'Agostinos bar) with a drink in hand, loving it.

I felt good having to have met her....I felt bad for "feeling bad" the last week or so.

In my office there is a large yellow Post-it that has written my GOALS for the rest of my life. It's been here for the past 5 years. It reads.

GOALS
• Be a great writer
• Be a better runner
• Have my own family
• Design my own home
• Travel & Perform
• Learn to Snowboard
• Go Whitewater Rafting
• Visit Ireland

I laid in bed last night and my mind traced to the fact that this woman died suddenly. The way I've been acting/feeling lately, if I died tomorrow, what would be left unsaid? So....if I die today, here's how I feel about it.

IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO ME - JUST KNOW....

I'm good with it. Me and God are tight and it was my turn. I didn't get to say when I started, I don't get to say where it ends. It's really okay.

I would have liked to have done more......maybe left a few things not done, but I got to do a lot and I'm grateful. I love my job as a designer....know that I'm good at it and enjoy it. So very grateful for improvisation and comedy. It saved me at a time I needed saving and didn't know it. It taught me so much about myself and helped me grow into the person I became. I met some of my very dearest friends through improvisation and I can't imagine my life without them. My family is great, thank you to my parents for giving me a realistic-yet-loving view of marriage. Thank you for staying married for over 40 years and giving me the foundation to live solidly on this earth. Thank you for introducing religion and giving me that foundation as well. Thank you Dad for being open and growing yourself as we got older so that you could become my friend. I love my nieces and nephews and want nothing more than their dreams to come true.

When I think of friends I'm amazed. People who know how crazy I am and love me anyway. I think of times at Iowa State, Phoenix, The OxyMoron'z, The Rays, Dan Ryan's Sports Grill, Dry Heat, Chicago and Girly. I think of my brothers as adults rather than us as kids. Moments in life that created me. People I can call when I'm freaked out and can just explode onto without hestitation. People sleeping on the floor of my studio apartment in the freezing winter. When it comes to my friends I truly won the lottery.

The best is saved for last with Eric. My heart won't let me write it here.

In a world of "expanding isolation" you would think with things like MySpace, Twitter, Facebook and whatever else that we would feel more "known" in the world. Isn't that what we are all trying to do? The further away life takes us away from each other the closer we want to be. We're all shouting, screaming for people to truly give a crap about us that we write it out hoping someone reads....but in truth....I don't need everyone in the universe to know me....cause I'm not going to know you. It's those handful of people that I already know - the relationships I've already built - that I need to strengthen. I'm no doubt writing this for them.....but mostly for myself.

So right now...yes, it's effing cold outside and I wish there were more to keep me busy. I wish times weren't tough for people. I wish a lot of things really. But if I died tomorrow....all I wish is that you know I loved you.