Going Chihuahua

Eric is home now and this effing year of fear and worry is over. I don't think I've really taken a moment to breathe in everything that has happened. I fear that the moment I do, I'll start crying and crying and never stop. Or I'll try to figure it out and exhaust myself . He came home on Saturday from Iraq (for good thank God) and I want to hit the ground running. Whatever our old life was, which I can't even really remember....I want back. A life I can't remember that I know included two people who are obviously different by this year of insanity....I want back. Or some new and improved version of it I guess. Truth is, I haven't let myself calm down yet. I'm still working...and now Eric's pay checks will have stopped.

Of all things, Eric worked as a mortgage lender for a company that did everything stereotypical to turn our country into a giant pile of cheating-money dog crap and thus went belly up over the summer. I make the money now. And I'm scared. I know I need to keep working....stay on the treadmill and push, push, push in constant motion of making money cause in this economy all you hear and see are people who are losing their jobs and I need to keep working and do we really need to spend money on that and what groceries can last the longest and I really need to spend time with Eric and get us "right" and take care of my family which means I need to work and make money cause what if there is no work coming up and I can't relax.....I can't breathe.

Eric calls me winding myself up as "going Chihuahua".